The Least You Could Do Is Remember Me
by Marvel Is My Obsession
Summary: "Everyone's got a part of their past that they'd like to erase. But it's called the past because it too late to undo, I know from personal experience. So focus on now, Soldier." Winter Widow Story
1. Prologue: Friendship Is For Weaklings

**Russia, 1995**

Madame had the children work long and hard to master the fouetté, she spent around ten minutes explaining and demonstrating it to the girls; "An assassin should be strong and graceful. Fouettés will require a lot of balance, a skill you all will need to master if you want to graduate."They all lined up, Madame watched with her sharp soul-piercing eyes, they all started in the seventh position. They began to spin and then plié, relieve, and then passé over and over again. The fouettés would make a normal person dizzy if they did too many of these in a row, but to only the strongest would graduate.

Some didn't move fast enough or were too slow, Madame yelled at them for not trying hard enough to succeed.

"Look at Natalia! Look at Natalia! Do it like Natalia!" She ordered, they all stopped and looked at the petite redhead. Natalia was born gifted. She was, even at such a young age, born to possibly be the greatest assassin. She found ballet easy, or so it seemed. She worked hard to follow the rules and tried to succeed no matter what the cost. She trained, she kept her body from tiring out and getting dizzy. She constantly was the example of correction for the other girls, so she didn't have really have any friends. Which she was okay with. "Now start again! Everyone! With more energy this time."

Natalia Romanova wasn't a teacher's pet, but she was obedient and never tried to rebel against the rules. She had many dreams that she wanted to accomplish, but she couldn't do that while being held in captivity (where escape was impossible), so graduating is the only way she can leave the red room. Only a handful of the girls in the room with her would move on, maybe less. No matter who she had to beat or cross, she was ready for whatever came next.

"Pirouette!" Madame ordered it was another turn they had learned about.

They all went to the fifth position and changed to the fourth position. They began to spin, they had one foot touching the knee from the side, a passé. They skinned three times before going back to the fourth position again and then repeating everything over and over. Everyone was a little better at the pirouettes, Madame still had to correct a few students. One who was doing something very wrong was a blond girl who kept stumbling over and over. Natalia watched the girl in the corner of her eye, she was going to get scolded at again or worse. She could even be beaten for not taking ballet seriously. Madame did eventually notice it and walked to the girl with frustration and anger written all over her face.

"Yelena! You need to take this class seriously! That's the last straw! You come with me right now!" Madame yelled. She yanked Yelena by the hair and dragged out of the class, everyone all continued, however, in fear of stopping and her finding out and punishing them as well. Natalia looked at Yelena, her only friend because she couldn't care less, who was in some much trouble that if she would ever return to be a very long shot. Yelena looked at Natalia, she for once feared what Madame was going to do to her for not listening, Natalia feared the same.

 **Wakanda, 2016**

Natasha rolled her carry on baggage beside her as she entered the terminal. She hadn't flown in a public airline for so long, it was so uncomfortable. Due to her assistance in allowing Captain America and the Winter Soldier to escape from Germany, she was now also wanted by the whole UN in the maximum facility prison. T'Challa promised that he would hide her in the same facility that the rest of the Avengers.

 _And Barnes_ , she thought. He was back to normal, they defeated HYDRA and Zemo, but the possibility of others learning the words. She made sure to get the book from Tony on her way out. She understood the words, she always knew them, they were in Russian. _Desire, Rusted, Seventeen, Dawn, Stove, Nine, Kind-hearted, Homecoming, One, Freight Car_ , such odd words she had thought a lot about. She knew the numbers one, nine, and seventeen form his birth date back in 1917. She also knew that he fell off a freight car when he supposedly died. Though the thoughts were pointless, a program like his can never be stopped. She took a deep breath, _I'd know_.

She made her way past immigration, checking in user the false name of Gwendolyn Pryde. She even disguised herself so no one could recognize her. She went in a blonde wig, no one took a second glance at her, as far as they were concerned she wasn't even there. She continued to move to meet T'Challa in the car.

She always thought friends made a person weak. For instance; in the battle of New York, her worry for Clint caused her to fall right into Loki's hand. In Washington DC, her grief over Nick Fury caused her to be off her guard against the HYDRA when they attacked, and how surprised when she saw Barnes (or more accurately the Winter Soldier), she didn't fight as well as she was trained to. In the battle against Ultron, she allowed herself to be weakened by the memories of her past that still haunt her and she even got captured. And now, in Germany, she allowed her feeling for Barnes to get the best of her and she let him escape. She worked better on her own, she always did. Friends are for weaklings, she didn't always believe this.

T'Challa allowed Natasha a safe haven to hide in, as he did the rest of Cap's team, because he felt he owed them and they proved that he needed to find proof and take actual legal action instead of letting emotion take over his mind and making a big mistake. Plus, he thought she was trustworthy enough. Captain America, Scarlet Witch, Falcon, and Hawkeye trusted her and that was enough for him. She did turn on Tony when she realized that Steve and Bucky were right.

He saw a blonde moving towards him. The closer she got the more he noticed how much her face looked like Widow. She had the classic Widow smirk. She had the same light green eyes, they were a deadly as they were enchanting. She had a petite, slim, and curvy body. Her skin was fair. She was beautiful. He was shocked, _she looks good as a blonde_. He started to chuckle a little. She laughed as well and walked closer to him.

She gave him a quick hug, "hahaha, tell Rogers and I kill you." He continued to laugh and nodded. He grabbed her bag and put it in the back. He was disguised as well so his people wouldn't crowd around, he didn't even have his posse with him. "Seriously, it's good to see you again T'Challa," she greeted and sat down in the shotgun.

"Good to see you too, Natasha," he said, hopping into the driver's seat, "ready to see everyone again?"

 _As ready as I'll ever be_ , she hoped.


	2. Not Remembering Pain is a Bliss

**Wakanda, 2016**

Imagine you had to eat a whole plate of food you didn't like and were disgusted by in order for you to have the most delicious dessert. And you didn't even know that you were going to get it, and you were both surprised and amazed by the dessert. That's kinda how Natasha felt towards Bucky. She had to endure so much so she could work her way up the Red Room into the Black Widow project, so she could meet him. She didn't know she'd fall for him, but she did and even though it didn't last forever, she'll never forget the time they spent together. She'd hold that time dear to her heart, she didn't tell anyone. But it was torture to have to see him all the time, he was like a ghost who was constantly haunting her, and what is he never even remember her. So much time would be gone in vain.

But she was with Bruce, right? Minus the fact that he disappeared into nowhere. How come she always fell in love with men who disappear? A joke that she couldn't even bring herself to laugh at anymore. She covered her emotions and thoughts up pretty well for the past two weeks she had been there. Bucky got a new arm, just like the old one, just like he wanted. The same arm he got in 1944 when his real arm took most of the damage from the fall, the same arm he used to fire a gun at her, the same arm that would hold her.

Bucky was making his way around the living area when he accidentally hit his foot against the coffee table, Natasha walked right in exactly the same time her foot came into contact with the table. It moved very far and flipped on its side and everything on top of it fell on the ground. He freaked out and yelled something in Romanian:

"La naiba!" ["Shit!] he exclaimed in frustration, he was too strong for his own good. Although it was a funny sight to behold, it even caused Widow to let out a little giggle at his expense. He turned to the redhead who stood in the doorway watching him.

"Ai mai multă grijă. Nu vrei ca Steve să prindă te injura," ["Be more careful. You don't want Steve to catch you swearing,"] she replied, also in Romanian. He looked at her supposed at how good she was at the language. She continued to speak, "De fapt, o dată când Tony a spus nimic, Steve a spus ..." ["In fact, once when Tony said shit, Steve said..."]

The last word was said by both Bucky and Natasha who said it the same time, "limba." ["language."] He smiled at her amazing ability to speak Romanian.

"Foarte impresionant, Natasha. Știu că au fost instruiți să vorbească mai multe limbi, în funcție de modul în care au fost instruiți pentru a fi un asasin, dar lipsa de accent este uimitor," ["Very impressive, Natasha. I know that were trained to speak multiple languages, based on how you were trained to be an assassin, but the lack of an accent is amazing,"] he commented, it brought a smile to her face for a second before she continued to talk to him.

It was nice to have one on one time with Bucky, it was like getting to know he better in slightly better conditions and different circumstances. Like sex was definitely off the table. And before by this time in a conversation, one of them would have their tongue down the others throat. Nevertheless, she was just happy he was safe. "Ei bine, am avut foarte bune învățători," ["Well, I had really good instructors,"] she laughed, he smiled at her. He saw right through the smile at the sadness in her eyes, and all the nostalgia in the corner of her hand. It psyched him out once again, this happened all the time to him when it came to her and he never knew why.

"E frumos să ai pe cineva pe aici care nu numai că vorbește limba engleză. Serios, nu-mi amintesc ultima dată când am avut un converstaion atât de mult în limba română," ["It's nice to have someone around here who doesn't only speak English. Seriously, I don't remember the last time I had a conversation this long in Romanian,"] he rubbed the back of his neck, his hair had grown so long. She remember his shorter well-groomed hair, she even learned and knew how to help him keep it the way he liked it. His expression soon shifted, "Cu toate că, nu-mi amintesc cele mai multe lucruri." ["Although, I don't remember most things."]

"Imi pare rau," ["I'm sorry,"] she apologized, she also changed to the stoic look he was known for.

"E în regulă, îmi amintesc o grămadă de lucruri după ce și înainte de m-am mutat în Siberia." ["It's okay, I remember a bunch of the things after and before I got relocated to Siberia."] She gave him a look of empathy to let him know that he's safe with the Avengers. He would and always has had a special place in his heart as her first true love. He continued, attempting to lighten the mood, "Cum era viața să fie antrenat ca un spion?" ["What was life like being trained as a spy?"] He failed.

She tried to say only the good parts, there weren't many, "Am avut unul cu adevarat partener care economisesc potasiul mare și antrenorul meu. El a fost, probabil, și a fost întotdeauna persoana cea mai intimidantă și priceput știu." ["I had this one really great sparring partner and my trainer. He was probably, and always has been the most intimidating and skillful person I know."] she laughs to herself quietly, she looked back into the mesmerizing azure eyes ever, although they were piercing and cold, she saw beauty in his darkness.

"Ce sa întâmplat cu el?" ["Whatever happened to him?"] he asked, thinking about it almost brought tears to her eyes.

She did answer, doing her best not to become too emotional, "că omul este plecat de mult. Si eu nu-l voi mai vedea niciodată, și eu nu cred că după tot ce sa întâmplat și tot timpul pe care a trecut că el încă mai amintește de mine." ["That man is long gone. And I'll never see him again, and I don't think that after everything that happened and all the time that passed that he still remembers me."] She looked at her feet, she couldn't bare to look him in the face, she crossed her arms and looked out the window.

"Imi pare rau," ["I'm sorry,"] he said, trying to comfort her in the least.

"Don't be, I'm over it," she lied, "I have to go, I 've got stuff to do. I'll see you 'round, Buck."

"You too, Tasha," he said, as she walked out the door and down the hallway.

 _I don't think I'm strong enough, but I handled that better than I expected. In fact, I feel like a weight was lifted off my chest. I got it all out, maybe now I can find closure, she wondered as she made her way to her room, I have tried too hard not to make another mistake. I can't make another mistake..._

 **Washington DC, 2014**

 _He appeared again, this was her second time seeing him. She knew she couldn't face him head on, so she' have to use the element of surprise. She used her watch to play a playback of a voice recording, he fell for it and threw a bomb at it. When he assumed that she was dead she jumped up and wrapped her legs around his neck and used string to pull his neck and head back. A technique that was a huge error._

 _Because in a matter of seconds he smashed his body against a car, not causing any damage to himself, but caused her to lose her balance. She would have never lost her balance before. And because she made a mistake he threw her at a car. He grabbed his gun, and was getting to ready to fire at him._

 _She tried harder this time. She knew a few chances she could use to beat him. She threw a small disk onto his metal arm that enabled_ his _to use it, so he couldn't shoot her. And with that she made a break for it. Of course he soon removed it, and her little trick only angered him further. He soon prepared to chance her down._

 _"Get out of the way! Get out of the way!" She yelled at the civilians, as she ran away from the Winter Soldier. They looked at her like she was crazy. Not once did she look over her shoulder, her heart was beating like a jackhammer. Luckily she soon made her way into a clear street. She knew she couldn't put run him, he was too fast. And soon she heard some gunshots break the car windows glasses. Soon a bullet made its way to her shoulder, she restrained herself from letting out a scream of pain. She hid behind the car and looked around to see where he was._

 _Little did she know that he was behind her. He got ready to take the shot. She would've died right there. But luckily Cap came running in with his shield. The Winter Soldier directed his attention to Cap and punched the shield._

 _She tried to collect herself and tried to move while the two fought. Steve had absolutely no idea it was Barnes under the mask. Once Steve started to win the fight, he threw the Winter Soldier. The mask fell of and he turn to reveal his fast. Steve looked at him like he had seen a ghost. She knew she could never tell him what she knew, it could only break his heart to know that she knew so much about the Winter Soldier and she. Never told him that Bucky was still out there._

 _"Bucky?" Steve muttered._

 _"Who the hell is Bucky?"_

 _Sam, or Falcon, at this point flew down and hit the Winter Soldier who was about to attack Cap again. She quickly grabbed the gun the Winter Soldier used on her, and shot at a car behind him (so he wouldn't be injured). The car exploded and he was able to make a getaway. Soon after, she collapsed._

 **Wakanda, 2016**

 _But is he a mistake?_ She wondered so often, she constantly thought what her life would have been like if she had never fallen in love with him in the first place. She made her way to the kitchen and let out one last thought, _but I'm with Bruce now. And he and James are very different. I'm going to have to get over my feelings for James, he doesn't even remember the time we spent together. I'm not in love with him, I can't be._

"You're in love with James?!" Wanda exclaimed she was shocked. Natasha looked up at her, not even noticing she was there. She also completely forgot that Wanda can go into a persons' mind and hear their thoughts.

 **Author's Note: I've really been getting into the WinterWidow stuff, so I decided to make a fanfiction. So, tell me what you think, and enjoy ?**


	3. Not Remembering, The Same As Forgetting?

**Russia, 1995**

It was night time for all the girls. All the eleven year old girls in Natalia's room. There was about 50 girls in total where in the program. Less than half would graduate. Those who do not graduate, no is very sure what happens to them, but if they live it won't be a good life. Natalia brushed her long red hair, female assassins were suppose to use their beauty as a weapon. So she took care of herself, trying to stay in perfect physical peak and making sure she grew up to be a looker. All the girls were talk, excluding Natalia as usual. She was okay with this on the outside and she learned to deal with it on the inside.

Her only real friend, Yelena, was taken away a few hours ago for not taking practice seriously. It was nothing new, she didn't find ballet necessary for an assassin. But usually she wouldn't be taken away for this long, and she wouldn't be in this much trouble. What is she wasn't coming back?

Soon the door opened and Yelena walked in, wearing her white nightdress. She looked fine. Her blonde hair was still in contact, in the long plaits Natalia made for her. She had no viewable cuts or bruises. She looked fine, in fact she was smiling. She sat down on top of Natalia's bed. Natalia was sitting there reading a book from 1981, before she was born, called _**Tiger Eyes**_ , by Judy Blume, her favorite book.

It was a book she felt like she could relate to. It was about a fifteen year old girl having to cope with the unexpected death of her father. It was a book that was probably too grown up for an eleven year old. But she could relate due to how her parents died as well.

"Yelena!" She set the book down and hugged her friend, the one she feared had died. She gave her an awfully tight squeeze. Yelena patted Natalia's back to let her know she was happy to see her as well. Natalia let go and asked more questions of what had happened to her, "where you beaten? What punishment did you receive? Tell me everything that happened?"

"They just lectured me and said if I didn't obey and take practice more seriously, then I would have to go to the Chamber."

"The Chamber?!" Yelena acted like going to the Chamber was no big deal. The Chamber was extremely dangerous. None of the girls knew what happened in there, but they knew that no one walked out of the Chamber with their life. Natalia cared very deeply about Yelena, she was like an older sister to her. But also like a younger one because she was always being so childish and irresponsible. Yelena soon moved to her bed and reached for her pocket.

She pulled out a bar of some sorts, it was plastic with something inside. She held it out to Natalia. "Want a piece of chocolate?"

"Yummy!" Natalia grabbed a piece, she immediately started to eat some of the chocolate. It was milk chocolate, her favorite. She didn't even stop to wonder where Yelena got the chocolate. But that was a good question, you can't just get outside things so easily in a matter of hours. She looked at the bar and then back up at Yelena. She was scared of getting in trouble, so she didn't eat more than the one row, "Where did you get this?"

"Madame's purse," she smirked, Natalia's jaw dropped. The Madame's purse. It's like she forgot who the Madame is. Like she forgot about the threat to send her to Chamber. Natalia wanted nothing to do with the chocolate or what had just happened, but she already ate some, but no one saw her eat the chocolate. "She will never know," and with that, Yelena took another bit of chocolate.

"She better not."

"Natalia," Yelena whispered from the bed across from her. It was already lights out and all the other girls where sleeping. Natalia opened her eyes a bit to see the girl who was calling her.

"Yes?"

"I saw him, he was screaming in pain, I think he was being tortured," Yelena uttered, Natalia just rolled her eyes. Yelena claimed to see this man all the time, hearing his cries of pain. No one believed her so-called stories, not even her best friend Natalia believed the far-fetched tales. She found it hard to believe that the man by the description Yelena used could possibly exists. "They called him the Winter Soldier..."

 **Wakanda, 2016**

A little more time passed, Wanda was the only one who knew about Natasha's past history with the Winter Soldier. Not even Clint and Steve knew. However, she told Wanda that she didn't ever want to talk about it, ever again. To pretend like nothing happened, like nothing changed. Wanda still didn't look like she believed them, but she tried to pretend she was going to ignore it, but the thought was too mind-blowing.

The book, she kept it and she never bothered to mention it to anyone. Not Bucky, not Steve, not even T'Challa. However, it reminded her of the past.

"Come on Bucky," Steve said, Bucky was deep in thought, he snapped back and looked at his best friend, "Bucky, where the hell has your mind been lately?" He wasn't same recently. He was always silent and thinking. It also annoyed everyone because Natasha, Bucky, and Wanda started to speak Russian so none of the others would know what they were talking about. It really pissed off Steve, although he was happy to see Bucky happy. Steve, however, could see that his friend was lost in thought and something was bothering him. It killed him how he wasn't able to help the one person who means most to him. And Bucky never talked about it. "Bucky can you tell me what's on you're mind. I want to help you."

He knew that Steve always had his back, to the end of the line. "Nothing just lost in thought about something I can't remember, I want to, I just can't. Before Siberia. Someone I can't quite remember."


	4. Something I Can't Quite See

**Wakanda, 2016**

Bucky Barnes. James Buchanan Barnes. The infamous Winter Soldier. He stared blankly at a wall. This had become his new favorite hobby. It was what he did all the time. Whenever he wasn't with Steve. He was lost in thought. He was drifting off a lot to a place that he couldn't quite remember, something he's not sure actually happened, people, he doesn't know are still alive. All he knows is all the emotions sometimes rushed back. He was starting to regain some very deep memories. Ones from long ago. After Siberia, before Washington. It was painful to think about. When he saw something appear in the wall it made him snap out instantly and he'd start panting loudly. Why couldn't he remember?

What was so important?

He tried to think really deeply again. This time he heard a soft voice whisper. It was small and he couldn't really hear it all correctly. But it was fast. He heard it clearly though. He couldn't forget it. It was the first thing he actually remembered about fomenting too painful to think of. The voice, a female voice, whispered _"James"_. That was all he knew. It was his name. No one called him James. It was so formal. He was always called Bucky. It was his nickname. However, he felt a smile tug at his lips rather than a feeling of pain. There was a pleasantness added to this memory, unlike the others. Why?

Although the smile didn't last long he soon became frustrated again. _Why the hell can't I remember anything! Who was this a girl?! Where was this? What was I doing? Why is she calling me James? Who is she? Why is her voice so familiar and pleasant?!_ His thoughts yelled out. He wanted to break something or do something to let out his frustration. Something. Anything. Anything would do. He closed his eyes. He just tried to relax. Trying to think of the voice. _"James."_ The woman's voice echoed through his mind. Slowly he drifted to sleep, letting his mind fade away into a dream.

 **Unknown Location, Unknown Year**

 _He woke up in an empty room. He knew this was a dream. But it felt too real to be just a dream. He got up. As soon as he stood up from the bed, he was in a long empty hallway. He was dressed in his old Winter Soldier uniform. The mask over his mouth. He looked around. Everything seemed so familiar, so real, so... He couldn't describe it. He started to walk down the halls looking around. Wandering where he was, when he was, or if this was actually a memory rather than a dream. One thing was for sure. He didn't want to wake up._

 _He walked down the halls. He looked into a room. There were girls, little girls, sitting behind desks watching a Disney movie and repeating everything that the girl said. They were attempting to learn English and lose their accents by watching children's movies. He looked at them all. They had blank stares in their faces. He couldn't see them right, although this didn't bother him too much. He continued to walk. He heard yelling. He looked into a ballet class, girls of an older age (maybe early twenties) dancing. They were dressed in black ballerina leotards with thin ballet skirts on. They were on their tiptoes._

 _"Stop!" She yelled out. The girls stopped. The woman looked at him. She was wearing a black dress that made her look like she was a member of a coven. She had grey hair in a bun. She looked at him with her intimidating yet timid look. She looked back at the girls. "It looks like the Winter Soldier has returned to spot you girls. Good. You need the practice. All yours, Solider." She smirked. All the girls turned around. Behind those bummed heads was depressed eyes with no mouths. It was in his imagination though._

 _He faltered. Shocked by the faces. He started to shake his head and back up from the room, the girls only coming closer to him. Fear in their eyes. He knew this was a dream though, but it was so real. So familiar. Why?!_

 _He closed his eyes. Blackness again. He felt relief. The girls were gone. The haunting meme routes stopped and he felt his mind at ease again. Although that wasn't the bed of his dream. There was more, however. He knew he wasn't awake yet. It was never that easy. Although, this part was okay._

 _"James." He smiled at the voice. He recognized it. A soft young woman's voice. It was the one he had been imagining for so long. His mind was wandering. He wanted to see the girl. Know who she was and why he was hearing her soothing voice in his head. Why was it haunting him? Why? +"James." Instead of seeing her, all he could see was blackness, she was the first thing that he actually wanted to see since he started to dream. The voice was low so he couldn't put his finger on it, but he had heard it before. This girls voice was tormenting his very soul. It made him frustrated that he couldn't remember her other than her voice, barely._

 _His eyes started to open a bit. He saw only red. "James. James wake up. You have to wake up now. It's time to wake up." And that's all he saw._

 **Wakanda, 2016**

He woke up. He was panting like crazy. He couldn't believe he woke up right before he would see the girl. Just his luck. What if he never remembers. Whatever.

It was the middle of the night. He had slept for so long. What time could it have possibly been? He looked over at the clock on his drawer next to his bed, it was 1:34 am. He slept right past dinner. He was starving. He decided he would get a little after-midnight snack to munch on since he missed dinner. He would have to be quiet, the others were probably all asleep. The last thing he needed was Steve sticking his nose into this problem. He didn't want to talk about it. He opened his door and inspected the hallway. Quiet and dark. Good. He started to tip-toe down the halls watching out for others.

He made his way to the large kitchen. He switched on the lights. He grabbed himself some leftovers. It looked good. Spaghetti and meatballs. Too bad he missed it fresh. However he tried to warm it up, he grabbed shredded parmesan cheese. He made himself a very good meal. He set it down and went to get a drink in the fridge that didn't have caffeine in it.

"Morin', _James_ ," a voice echoed from behind him. His back stiffened. His mind wandered back to the dream. The voice in the dream was faint in the dream. "You're finally _awake_." That's it. That's all it took. The voice was exactly like the one from his dream. It was more clear and a little more mature, but it was the same voice. He couldn't believe it. There was no way. But he heard the similarities twice. He turned around and looked at the face the voice belonged to.

Natasha Romanoff. The Black Widow.

Her voice was identical to the voice that he heard in his dream. He started to scan her. Her voice was sweet and familiar. It was calming most of the time, soft and warm. Her porcelain white skin. Her curves, her hourglass thin trim figure. Her long thick red locks. She had a different hairstyle every time he saw her. This time it was longer than ever. It was curled. Her green eyes that could either be icy and distant or sweet and comforting. She had porcelain skin. She was looking at him with a concerned look on her face. She was breathtaking, that was always the first thing he thought about her. Her looks weren't the only things about her that he liked.

She and him had had some conversations in the last few weeks. She was a good conversationalist. The two of them had fun talking, usually telling funny stories about Steve. He would be happy to call her a friend. She was an incredible woman. Constantly keeping up with all these super-powered people who could do crazy things and got into insane situations. He also respected her for that. She had real skill. He also admired her. She told him about how she was a KGB spy and assassin. But she managed to turn that around and change her fate. She changed her past and was accepted. He only wished to be like that.

That's when it all rushed back. That's when he remembered it all. That's when it all came back. He remembered it all. All of it. She wasn't just what he thought she was. She was the girl in the dream. She was more than that. He remembered. He knew her all these years ago. He met her and fell in love with her. It all rushed back in an instant of hearing her voice and seeing her again.

" _Natalia._ "


	5. So Long Ago, Almost Another Life

**Russia, 2005**

 _Natalia was training, she had her graduating ceremony in a week. She couldn't stand the idea of not being able to have children. They say it is painless and it will help her not to become distracted in personal matters like a family. But she always kinda wanted the option to have a family. And now she can't. She kept punching the punching bag because she couldn't punch how she felt on the inside. Lame line. She knew that. But that was how she felt and no matter how stupid. Her fists were already started to hurt, threatening to bruise and bleed. She ignored that. She stopped caring. She just kept punching and punching. She hated her life working in the Red Room._

 _"You're going to hurt yourself," a familiar male voice uttered. She looked over at the door. She was surprised. The two of them spared a lot, but she still felt flustered when she was alone with him. He waited for her response as he leaned on the doorframe looking at her. She had been alone with him before, but the chemistry was too much between these two to be trusted to be alone. She worried about it. She was promised to another._

 _"None of your business, James," she hissed, she was in no mood. She was rather bitter about the whole ordeal. The whole idea of sterilization scared her. Never having a chance of being a mother. Ever. Something that can never be undone. She looked at him. She looked down at her hands. Tingling with pain, he was right. She sighed and looked back at him, "Sorry for snapping at you James. I was just aggravated. That was no reason to yell at you. I'm fine. You can go." She dismissed him and then gave her back to him. She went back to punching the bag as hard as she could. He had to admire how far she had come, truly admirable._

 _He shook his head and slowly made his way over to her. "You are not okay, Talia. You have to stop. I can see the marks starting to grow. The last thing I want you to do is to start self-harming yourself over this." He spoke. By the time he finished, he was standing behind the bag holding it in place. She shot him a glare for what he said._

 _"James, they are sterilizing me tomorrow. I will never be able to have a family of my own," she informed him as if he didn't already know. Although he did. She lowered her head, stopping the punching. She gathered deeper into thought about what was happening, "I always wanted to be a mother. I dreamed of it. Possibly having a child. Giving it the childhood I never had. I wanted to hold my baby. My miracle that I brought into the world. But that is never going to happen. Sadly." His heart was broken just looking at her. She looked up at him. "Have you ever felt so much sorrow."_

 _"Yes," he answered. "I do know what it's like to want something so bad but you can never have it. The woman that I love is promised to another man. Although she is this incredible woman, I cannot be with her. Although I don't deserve such perfection as she. I always think about what it could be like to be her fiancé. To be the one who can kiss her lips." He muttered off the end, looking down at Natalia. She nodded along, trying not to connect the dots._

 _"So you do know."_

 _"Oh too well, Talia."_

 _"Um hm."_

 _"But."_

 _"But what, James?"_

 _"I think the girl is unhappy."_

 _"Do you?"_

 _"Yes. She is lonely. I want to accompany her. Do you think that would be a good thing to do? Sow one so beautiful should never be alone. She is so incredible. I know I say that a lot about her, but there aren't enough words to describe her. Mesmerizing, enchanting, breathtaking, lovely, graceful, so many words all not enough to express what she is truly."_

 _She took a deep breath. Maybe she was the fool. She thought James and her had unspoken chemistry. She felt it as they spent time together. But now. It was gone from her mind. He loved another. She should be happy, right? She was promised to another. At least this part wouldn't be too over complicated like everything else was. She nodded slowly as she took a deep swallow. She tried to look James in his azure blue eyes with her emerald ones. At least she could try to move on. Although it would be hard. Her feelings for James had always been confusing._

 _"Yes. If you really care for her. You shouldn't waste your time," she whispered, trying to hold back what she really thought._

 _He smirked, "Good to know."_

 _In an instant. James leaned down and took her lips with his. She was confused when James kissed her. She took a while to react. She liked the feeling of James' lips on her own. He slowly closed her eyes and kissed him back. Their lips moved rhythmically together. She placed her hands on his chest, his metal and normal arm wrapped around her waist. She shouldn't have liked the kiss so much. Why was she still kissing him? Why couldn't she stop?! She snapped out of it and parted from James. He looked at her surprised by that._

 _"James..." She trailed off, not knowing what, to begin with. The fact that he loved her or the fact that she is promised to another. "James, I never...I never knew...you loved me."_

 _"Well I do, Natalia," he dropped the nickname for her. He was so madly in love with her. She was perfect to him. He brushed a loose piece of her hair behind her ear. "I have loved you go sometime now. And I know that you are promised to another. And they will kill me for just spending time with you, let alone, kissing you. But I don't care. It's worth it."_

 _"But-"_

 _"No buts," he cut her off. "I love you, and I don't expect you to immediately return that love. But I need to know that you feel something for me. I don't want to think of the consequences. All I know is that I want to be with you. And I hope that you want to be with me too."Never once had she head those words that she could remember. They were beautiful coming from James. They were exactly what she always wanted to hear. But the circumstances were different now. They would both be punished if caught. He patiently awaited her response to his questions of how she felt about him. She wanted to scream that she loved him. But she loved him too much to lose him. He sighed, believing the contempt silence meant a 'no' rather than an 'I love you, but I don't wanna lose you'._

 _"Sorry I wasted your time-"_

 _She cut him off this time. She stepped forward onto her toes and pecked his lips softly. He took a moment to register what just happened before kissing her back. She slowly wrapped her thin arms around his neck, his hands found her waist. They continued to kiss just liked their first one, only this time with more passion. This time James was the first one to part from the kiss. Natalia slowly opened her eyes to see the smile on his face._

 _"Do that's a yes?"_

 _"Yes, James."_

 _"I love you, Natalia."_

 _"I love you, James."_

 _Natalia sat in her room. She finally got her own room. She was promised to a very powerful man in the KGB. She had already gone through the graduation ceremony and everything. She was going to officially become the Black Widow soon. She was also to be married in a couple of years, which would conflict with her current relationship. She was unfaithful to her fiancé. Although it was a loveless engagement, she was cheating on him behind his back with one of his most deadly soldiers. She tried not to think of the future. She sighed her mind heavy with thoughts of James._

 _Her slightly opened window soon completely opened, she noticed the metal arm opening it. Soon followed, the Winter Soldier climes through the window and into her room. He must have scaled the walls, made it past the guards and all the security. This was incredibly risky. She couldn't believe he would actually do something like this._

 _"What are you doing here?!" She whispered-screamed at him._

 _"I had to see you, Natalia," he responded, coming closer to her, grabbing her waist to bring her closer to him. His normal arm traced her soft cheeks. She wanted to stay that way forever._

 _"I am promised to another man," she added, always reminding him about how she would have to one day marry another, but that never seemed to bother or stop him. She hated saying it though. She hated being promised away to someone she didn't love and didn't love her back in return. She touches his cheeks with her hands. He was so handsome._

 _"I know, he's an ass," James replied, laughing a bit, his answer made Natalia giggle a bit as well._

 _"If they find you, they will kill you," she spoke, of course, he ignored that fact as much as he ignored the others._

 _"Then I'll die happy."_

 _She smiled at him. She never wanted to move from his view. She always wished she could stare into his beautiful blue eyes. A color beyond compare. She had never felt so kindly upon anyone like she did James. The last person she loved was Yelena, as a sister and a best friend, but that was a long time ago and that changed. The last thing she would want is for James to hate her or the thought of not being with him. She wanted to be with him forever. Although forever is nonexistent. She would have to settle for the time between then and when it evidently has to end. He leaned in and took her lips, distracting her from her thoughts._

 **Russia, 2007**

 _They managed to contain their secret for two years. Two years of bliss. Note the word managed. Because nothing amazing ever lasted for too long. Nothing too beautiful and pure in Natalia's life lasted too long, she had learned that the hard way. Everything she loved had to be taken. Everything precious. He friend, her future, and now the love of her life. They knew it would have been risky, but never in a hundred years did they expect what truly happened when they found out about her and James. It was truly scaring. Maybe the most scaring thing Natalia was ever forced to witness. Tear-jerking indeed._

 _They started to beat James. And he let them, he just prayed that they left Natalia alone and blamed him souls for the relationship. She cried out for him, watching the multiple men beat the one she loved. She tried to reach him, but they held her back and away from him. She was forced to watch it. Forced to watch the merciless beating. She begged them to stop and leave him alone. She felt her heart crumble into a million pieces. She wanted to kill every single man there. She wasn't strong enough yet, she was too weak to try and protect him. To stand for herself._

 _One of the men whispered into her ear, "No worries Natalia. We won't kill him. It's hard to build Soldiers like him. Although we have now learned we can never allow him to be out like this again. Trust me. He'll forget all about this. And you." She felt tears pour down her face, what did they mean about forgetting her? That would be the last thing she wanted. She knew what they meant, however. They were going to wipe his brain again and place him back under cryogenic freeze. They could make him a weapon again. And he wouldn't remember her. "Oh! And you. You'll get your lesson soon."_

 _She didn't care what they could do to her. Beat her. Kill her. Nothing was as painful as what she was watching right now. There is nothing worse than watching the one that she loves being beaten in front of her eyes and she couldn't do anything._

 _They lead both the James and Natalia to a dark room where her beloved James becomes the vicious Winter Soldier. She wondered why they brought her along. He looked at her. She could barely bring herself to look at him. Blood was in the corner of his mouth. His blue eyes that she loved so much were sad and it looked like he was trying to apologize for what he did, as well as assure her that it will be okay._

 _They placed him in a chair. They strapped his arms down so he couldn't struggle against them. They set something on his head. Natalia was held to the ground. Forced to watch what was going to happen. James wanted to promise that he wouldn't forget her and his time with her, but he knew what they were going to happen. He knew his memories of her we're going to be taken away. They got ready for the brain wiping. They started. It was the most inducing pain anyone could inflict upon another. It was a million electric shocks being forced inside his skull, a thousand piercing needles. He couldn't scream loud enough to express his pain._

 _The worst part was Natalia standing right in front watching. She cried, she couldn't look away from the horrific view. He was in so much pain. All she could think about was how much she would miss him. How much pain she is putting him through because he fell in love with her._

 _When they finished James' eyes were shut. That should have been the end of it. No, it wasn't. They were just getting started. Starting up almost immediately again. They wipe his memory again, making sure this time they made the coding more permanent so nothing like this would ever happen again. This time it was more painful, like putting salt on a wound._

 _Once they were done, they took James to the cryogenic cells. He could be looked up for so many years. She might never see him again. She had no more tears left._

 _And that was it._


	6. The Unspoken Secret From Foreign Affairs

**Wakanda, 2016**

What could he say? All these memories came back within seconds. Two years. That was nine years ago. Nine years. All the emotions and feelings came back. The pain, the end, the beginning, the love. All of it. He knew that she, how could she not. Something like that was surely scarring enough that a person could never forget. Though he wanted to tell her that he remembered her, it had been nine years. She had probably moved on to someone else. Someone less broken, less complicated, someone who could give her everything that she wanted and deserved. Although she was making it hard. She looked so beautiful. As always.

 _Natalia_. She didn't even remember telling him that was her real name again. She was sure that he always called her Widow or Natasha. Her heart skipped a beat. Was that even possible? Did she want him to? Of course not. Dating Bruce. Right? She wasn't some sort of slut, going through the Avengers. Flirting with Tony, but only because of the mission at hand. Kissing Steve, but only when undercover to save their asses. Dating Bruce, he was like her technical rebound. But Bucky was the only one without a but following along with a logical response. He was the first man she actually loved. Maybe the only one ever. Bruce did have a place in her heart though. But so did Buck.

"Did you just call me _Natalia_?" She questioned, tiptoeing around the situation to make sure it wasn't awkward. She knew he knew. She could tell. There was no other reasonable explanation for any of this. She hoped he remembered, she always wanted that. But she also didn't because of how complicated it was before, she didn't want to relive what happened nine years ago. The pain of losing him was too much, it still affected her to this day. Letting him get away on purpose, he was her weakness. But that is an understatement.

"Yes. Isn't that your name?" He asked. He could read people just as well as she could. He knew she knew that he knew. Tongue twister. She picked up on that quickly. He turned to his food which was getting colder and colder. "You were going by informalities when you called me _James_. What happened to calling me, Buck or Barnes? Or even Soldier. Are we at first names?" He asked, truly asking in code if they were going to pretend if any of the past happened. He wanted her more than anything, but he knew he caused her a great deal of hardship. He wanted to make sure she was there or over him.

This was the hardest decision to make. She knew a part of her, the young naive little ballerina from eleven years ago when she first started to see James wanted to be with him, but the rest said to resist the temptation. She couldn't. She shook her head, "No. Not yet, Barnes." Those words boiled down her throat as she spoke. She wanted to take them back but she was a woman of her words. The words made Bucky nod oddly, he just flashed her a smile to make her think he was okay. "Goodnight. I'm heading back to bed. See you tomorrow," she lied.

"Night, Widow," he said.

She walked down the halls slowly. Ever so gently she opened the door to her room. She slowly closed the door and let out a sigh. She sank down until she was sitting on the floor with her knees to her chest. She buried her face. _Why? Why do I have to be so logical all the time? Why can't I take a page out of Steve's book and bet on emotions over facts?_ She wondered. She hated herself. She always wished she could be an easy going person who could just go with the wind and go along with her heart instead of her brain.

The next morning was a silent one. One which no one really said much and they all just did whatever they had to do. T'Challa had to head out and so some official King stuff, Wanda was going to be knitting with Steve (a new hobby the two them took up to save time), Sam and Lang (Scott Lang) were watching a movie (The Interview with James Franco and Seth Rogan), Clint was FaceTiming Laura and the kids, Bucky was thinking of joining Sam and Scott. Natasha. She was probably not going to hang out with Steve and Wanda. Their obsession with knitting was getting weird very quickly.

She walked down the halls until her phone started to buzz. She thought she had canceled that before she left? She found an empty and unnoticeable hiding spot. She ran over to it and pulled out her phone.

 _Jackass AKA Stark_

Dammit. How was he calling her? He probably hacked her and was contacting her by requiring some circuits or something like that. She answered it, only to get answers.

"Hello?"

"Natasha?"

"Why and how the hell are you calling me Stark?"

"Doesn't matter. I got in contact with you, let's just call it a miracle."

She definitely did not miss his dickish voice. It almost made her happy she was here with Cap and her actual friends who turned out to be right.

"Now. I did call you for a reason. While you've been gone this crime boss came rolling back into town. Are you familiar with Wilson Fisk?"

"The biggest crime boss on the east coast, killed his father when he was twelve, an overweight and bald gentleman, engaged to an art dealer named Vanessa Marianna. He took over the prison he was taking over like it was nothing. Has OCD, has pretty good manners for a scum bag, and unstoppable anger issues. Yes, I am rather familiar with him. But he was defeated by that New York vigilante that even you don't know the identity of. Why are you asking?"

"Well, he apparently wasn't because he's back. Spider-Man spotted him in Brooklyn a little while back. He came in with a ton of other mobsters, major criminals, and villains. He is going to do something bad. Bigger than me or Cap. So I need you to tell him to come here with the rest of you guys so we can take down Fisk before he takes over New York and beyond."

She paused at the words. Wilson Fisk couldn't be that powerful or dangerous. But this has to be bad if Tony swallowed his pride and actually came begging for help. Stark wasn't like that. He was stubborn. He was too cocky and self-obsessed to call it quits. Should she actually tell them? Should they really get involved? What if this was just some sort of trick? What if Stark turned them all in immediately.

Was Wilson Fisk really worth blowing their cover? Maybe she should do some investigating to make sure this wasn't a mislead.

"Stark..."

 ** _To be continued..._**


	7. The Decision That Will Change Everything

"Stark..."

It was the longest pause of her life. She thought about every single time she chose to do what she thought was right and how it blew up in her face. Every wrong decision, how she always followed someone in hopes that she might one day make up for all of her shortcomings. All the pain that she caused. All the blood on her hands would finally get wiped off. But no such luck. No matter what she did it always seemed like she picked wrong and ended up hurting the people she cared most about. Nick Fury, Clint, Bruce, Steve, the Avengers, _James_... she couldn't make another bad choice.

"Go fuck yourself," she simply stated, she hung up and looked at the phone and immediately smashed it. She bet he was either not surprised but a bit stunned. Tony could try and track them but T'Challa has promised that no one is able to find the true Wakanda, only the cover up for the rest of the world.

She sighed and looked around, she realized that she had no place anywhere anymore. Not even here. Being around James was too hard for her, even if she couldn't talk about it to anyone. She had to leave again, maybe fully start over again. Get a new name, start out in a new place, start a new life. Maybe then life would be better again then. Becoming a new person. It could be the only way to truly move in with her life.

She grabbed a paper.

 _Dear T'Challa and Steve,_

 _I had to leave. I can't tell you why. And I can't tell you where I am going to go, but I can ask you not to look. I'll be fine on my own, I always have been. I just hope all of you can start up lives for yourselves again. Goodbye._

 _\- Natasha_

She placed it down before rushing to her room and stuffing everything into a bag, she would leave as soon as she could think of a way out. She was just so used to having people walk out of her life and now she would be doing it to all of them, but hopefully, it would hurt less to be the one to leave instead of getting hurt once again.

But she would regret never getting to tell Bucky how she felt about him, how she missed him all those years, that he always had her heart, that she wished they could be together again. But everything was too destroyed and confusing for the two of them to ever be together. Why try and start up something that could only end one way. She was foolish all those years ago to think that they could have been together, and he got hurt because of her. She never wanted to hurt him, be the cause of his pain, to mess with him. So she would just suffer herself. Maybe, just maybe if they ever cross paths again, when she has her life together, she'll tell him how she feels.

But for now, love wasn't for children, but for adults.

 _ **A/N: This chapter is quite short, sorry about that. I'm probably going to add a sequel if wanted. Anyway, let me know if you enjoyed the story and if you want a sequel or not.**_


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